Triple Down

Personally, I don’t have a problem with the KFC Double Down. A lot of people are offended by its lack of bun or the fact that it looks really unhealthy. Here’s the thing, it totally is unhealthy, but it’s actually not THAT unhealthy, as the following comparison will illustrate. Do you know what IS unhealthy? This:

This is the KFC “Skinwich” that I found on Brain Residue. Now, this sandwich is obviously a fake, but hiding among every fake skin sandwich is a kernel of truth. The fact that you can scan through the pictures and the text and almost believe that this is real is both highly amusing and deeply disturbing. Who among us doesn’t eat KFC chicken to enjoy that delicious, soul damning skin? Are we really so far from this being a viable food option? Seriously, we live in a society where a product called Flat Jack’s “chicken snacks from your toaster” actually exists. I know this because I’ve seen them at the grocery store!

Society is doomed.

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It’s Valentine’s Day today, probably the most bullshit of all bullshit holidays – I include New Year’s Eve and Arbor Day in this list. But hey, maybe you want to celebrate this holiday for real because you haven’t had sex in awhile. If so, might I suggest making your sweetie the following (available from Archie McPhee):

This dessert says “baby, I love you and I also understand basic human anatomy” and I don’t know a boy or girl who wouldn’t smile upon being presented this in a bowl. Ok, so maybe some people would recoil in horror, but you won’t know that until AFTER you give it to them. My suggestion? Keep the following Pez dispenser as a backup, it is guaranteed to get you sex:

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Pickled Tink

Fuck. Everything. About. This:

First of all, the way they are positioning the lip balm makes it look like the already phallic shaped pickle has a lip balm size penis with his own face on it! Second of all, while this may seem cute right now, it will NOT be when you actually use this shit. Imagine, if you will, it’s a cold winter day and your lips are feeling chapped. You’re looking for some chap stick, but the only one you can find is the pickle one your friend bought you as a gag gift. With chapped lips in need of relief, you grab the pickle lip balm in desperation and suddenly you’re thinking: “OH DAMMIT! WHY? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Now my lips aren’t chapped but I can’t get the taste of nasty pickle brine off my lips. Fuck, I better wipe this shit off…oh, now my lips are still chapped and the brine taste is lingering, great.”

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Is making toast with a conventional toaster not providing the same thrill that it used to? Do you often fantasize about being an emergency room doctor but don’t want to spend 10 years in school? Well, you are in luck with probably one of the coolest, yet impractical devices around:

It seems artist Shay Carmon is all about design without considering that this machine is probably not going to do a very good job of toasting your bread. As someone who no longer eats bread, I don’t really mind.

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This is probably one the most adorable things I’ve seen in awhile:

Sadly, these juice boxes do not exist in real life, as they are the work of a student named Yunyeen Yong. On her website, said juice box creator states that these magical creations are “catered especially to kindergarten and primary school students” which is kind of bullshit because I want one RIGHT NOW!

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So Meaty, So Sad

And so, sadly, bacon month comes to an end. But fear not, dear readers, for I have saved the best for last:

This might look like some sort of alien larva that I have been raising in my desk at work, but it’s actually a pork tenderloin wrapped in bacon. Yes, its pork wrapped in an entirely different kind of pork and That Guy made it for me last week. Guess what? It was fucking delicious, but then I don’t know how anything wrapped in bacon couldn’t taste delicious. With that said, bacon month is over for 2011.

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Things That Smell Like Bacon

Cooking bacon smells good, everyone knows that. Even hippie vegetarians must admit that the smell of delicious bacon cooking on a skillet is truly a thing of beauty. But what if you could have the wonderful smell of bacon without the reward of actually eating the bacon…wait, what? Here we have a bacon scented car air freshener:

And, even worse, a bacon scented candle:

I can understand wanting to own something that smells like boysenberries. Those things are impossible to find because they are an unholy cross of like, seven other berries. But bacon? This offends me because if you can afford to buy the air freshener or the candle, you can afford to just buy bacon! So do the right thing readers, boycott all products that smell like bacon and go after those sweet, sweet boysenberries. Those things smell great!

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